The put down comment can often occur when you least expect it or sadly at a moment when knowing what to do evades you.
The most natural response is wanting immediate “revenge”, to get them back and particularly to defend yourself from this very unpleasant person.
The problem often becomes in trying to defend our self it makes it worse and can have the opposite effect. It can spiral out of control really quickly leaving a sour taste.
The dictionary describes put downs as; either a disparaging, belittling or snubbing remark or a remark intended to humiliate or embarrass someone.
It is believed that the origin of put-downs is an insecurity in the other person: they want to make themselves feel good by making you look bad. This relies on you responding in a way that makes them feel good, and you going 'on the defensive' does just that. Put-downs rely on a reaction from you.
Your main aims, when responding to put downs,are usually:
• To stop the put down behaviour
• To do so in a way that maintains your own self respect
Here is a recommended strategy for dealing with put downs:
In the first instance, IGNORE IT. In many cases the person may try a few times to put you down but, once it becomes obvious there will be no reaction, will stop. Other people will respect you for it (for being 'mature enough' to ignore it). NB: Don't let yourself 'feel bad' (such reactions reward the put-down behaviour). Think: 'I'll rise above it. Put downs say much more about the person saying it than the person the comments are directed towards).
If you feel the need to deal with a put-down, do so with humour. Don't treat it seriously, make a joke out of it - but don't make the other person the butt of the joke
If those don't work, then use “I statements” such as I feel really offended by what you said.
Lastly naming what they are doing as a put down can make them aware and hopefully somewhat embarrassed by using them e.g. “Why is it important to use put down behaviour towards me?” They may simply deny it but are more likely to think twice about continuing.
You should never use put-down behaviour yourself. If you feel the urge to do so, then you'll need to learn to value yourself more, so that you can overcome the insecurity that drives such behaviour.
Item viewed: 767 times
The most natural response is wanting immediate “revenge”, to get them back and particularly to defend yourself from this very unpleasant person.
The problem often becomes in trying to defend our self it makes it worse and can have the opposite effect. It can spiral out of control really quickly leaving a sour taste.
The dictionary describes put downs as; either a disparaging, belittling or snubbing remark or a remark intended to humiliate or embarrass someone.
It is believed that the origin of put-downs is an insecurity in the other person: they want to make themselves feel good by making you look bad. This relies on you responding in a way that makes them feel good, and you going 'on the defensive' does just that. Put-downs rely on a reaction from you.
Your main aims, when responding to put downs,are usually:
• To stop the put down behaviour
• To do so in a way that maintains your own self respect
Here is a recommended strategy for dealing with put downs:
In the first instance, IGNORE IT. In many cases the person may try a few times to put you down but, once it becomes obvious there will be no reaction, will stop. Other people will respect you for it (for being 'mature enough' to ignore it). NB: Don't let yourself 'feel bad' (such reactions reward the put-down behaviour). Think: 'I'll rise above it. Put downs say much more about the person saying it than the person the comments are directed towards).
If you feel the need to deal with a put-down, do so with humour. Don't treat it seriously, make a joke out of it - but don't make the other person the butt of the joke
If those don't work, then use “I statements” such as I feel really offended by what you said.
Lastly naming what they are doing as a put down can make them aware and hopefully somewhat embarrassed by using them e.g. “Why is it important to use put down behaviour towards me?” They may simply deny it but are more likely to think twice about continuing.
You should never use put-down behaviour yourself. If you feel the urge to do so, then you'll need to learn to value yourself more, so that you can overcome the insecurity that drives such behaviour.
Item viewed: 767 times
I often wonder why Christmas isn’t just like you see in those feel good movies running up to the big important day of the year. Well at least the ones with the happy endings where suddenly everyone is overtaken with the warmth and cheer of Christmas.
If you’re reading this, then you’re probably thinking, yeah that’s not my family. I often think the problem with Christmas is all the expectation that leads up to it. We surrounded by it, even if you’ve kept it to a minimum at home, just go down to your local shopping centre. The big day is often a big let down. Simply Christmas is often people put together who may well dislike each other in often a claustrophobic proximity. Family get togethers can often simply remind us how little in common we have and when we don’t have that distance even the most minor misunderstandings and irritations quickly can get out of hand.
It’s partly because people revert to what they know, their old ways and habits. Moving on or changing, the old forgive and forget mentality can be hard to overcome.
Well try these few ideas and may your festive season be one you can get through;
Try not drinking all day. Apart from feeling rather awful, it more than often will lead to arguments and worse.
If something is bothering you, let it go. Does it really matter that much? If you can imagine the permanent loss of these people who share your life, it will put things into perspective for you.
Try and help out or take turns cooking in teams. If you’ve never been in charge of preparing a meal, here’s your chance (the shock alone should cause people to forget all else going on)
Try to share at least one simple activity as a group, such as a short walk in the area
If your family is not together turn negatives into positives by saying; “We’ll have two of everything.”
Try and surprise people by not being who they expected on the day (step outside the box)
Invent a new ritual each year e.g. everybody reads out something inspirational about someone else in the group or even a joke (at a certain pre-ordained time)
Ask questions of each other. It’s easy for the meals to be over with no proper talk. Try to think of members of your family as people you’ve just met and need to get to know
The good news is, come January we can look forward to all the local supermarkets stocking up with Easter eggs again.•
Item viewed: 1076 times
If you’re reading this, then you’re probably thinking, yeah that’s not my family. I often think the problem with Christmas is all the expectation that leads up to it. We surrounded by it, even if you’ve kept it to a minimum at home, just go down to your local shopping centre. The big day is often a big let down. Simply Christmas is often people put together who may well dislike each other in often a claustrophobic proximity. Family get togethers can often simply remind us how little in common we have and when we don’t have that distance even the most minor misunderstandings and irritations quickly can get out of hand.
It’s partly because people revert to what they know, their old ways and habits. Moving on or changing, the old forgive and forget mentality can be hard to overcome.
Well try these few ideas and may your festive season be one you can get through;
Try not drinking all day. Apart from feeling rather awful, it more than often will lead to arguments and worse.
If something is bothering you, let it go. Does it really matter that much? If you can imagine the permanent loss of these people who share your life, it will put things into perspective for you.
Try and help out or take turns cooking in teams. If you’ve never been in charge of preparing a meal, here’s your chance (the shock alone should cause people to forget all else going on)
Try to share at least one simple activity as a group, such as a short walk in the area
If your family is not together turn negatives into positives by saying; “We’ll have two of everything.”
Try and surprise people by not being who they expected on the day (step outside the box)
Invent a new ritual each year e.g. everybody reads out something inspirational about someone else in the group or even a joke (at a certain pre-ordained time)
Ask questions of each other. It’s easy for the meals to be over with no proper talk. Try to think of members of your family as people you’ve just met and need to get to know
The good news is, come January we can look forward to all the local supermarkets stocking up with Easter eggs again.•
Item viewed: 1076 times
Are you someone who is tempted by the internet through its chat rooms? Let’s be honest, the internet is a powerful attraction to most of us.
I’ve listed some tips for those who feel a need to visit chat rooms.
1. Admit to yourself that by being on the internet is causing problems in your relationship.
2. Go onto the internet not because you are bored, lonely or just had a fight with your partner but rather because you have a focused reason.
3. By putting your computer somewhere everyone can see it, you’re less likely to be tempted. Try to organize your time online when people are around leading to less temptation.
4. Spend more time in the real world. Go out, go for a walk, invite friends over for a B.B.Q., go shopping etc. We didn’t always have the internet around controlling us.
5. Instant messenger type programs are a real trap as are various chat rooms. Delete them.
6. Change your email address completely. You can always email direct family and those who need to know your email address with your new one.
7. Checkout filtering software that allows certain programs to be blocked. This will help re-build the trust
If you’re sincere about changing your habits, your partner may appreciate the effort and trust may start to return. Cold turkey in giving up the internet doesn’t work for most people. Seek support.
Item viewed: 4569 times
I’ve listed some tips for those who feel a need to visit chat rooms.
1. Admit to yourself that by being on the internet is causing problems in your relationship.
2. Go onto the internet not because you are bored, lonely or just had a fight with your partner but rather because you have a focused reason.
3. By putting your computer somewhere everyone can see it, you’re less likely to be tempted. Try to organize your time online when people are around leading to less temptation.
4. Spend more time in the real world. Go out, go for a walk, invite friends over for a B.B.Q., go shopping etc. We didn’t always have the internet around controlling us.
5. Instant messenger type programs are a real trap as are various chat rooms. Delete them.
6. Change your email address completely. You can always email direct family and those who need to know your email address with your new one.
7. Checkout filtering software that allows certain programs to be blocked. This will help re-build the trust
If you’re sincere about changing your habits, your partner may appreciate the effort and trust may start to return. Cold turkey in giving up the internet doesn’t work for most people. Seek support.
Item viewed: 4569 times
As a long time mediator, most people I come across tend to be upset, somewhat angry and certainly “emotional” about the conflict they find themselves in.
Often a first reaction for people who are upset or feel they have been wronged is to “take them to court”. I don’t know who originally penned the saying “Having your day in court”; but I’m guessing it must have been someone with lots of money.
In essence how helpful is the court process; but more importantly how many people actually end up in court. Well, a lot less than you might think. You might be surprised how many deals are done in the corridors of a court between lawyers. Even more surprising is the leverage they use. It’s called money. I’ve had many a story told where a lawyer has told their client if you don’t agree to this (which the lawyers see as reasonable) then it’s going to cost you this much.
Even if it gets into court and the judge makes a decision, there is one thing they can not do. It’s called “goodwill”. A judgment in many instances assumes the parties will obey and adhere to what is being ordered. Take for example orders around parenting children. If they’re not followed (Australia) then the Police don’t get involved, it goes back to the Family court.
How many times can someone afford to keep going back to the Family Court? If someone is ordered to pay a sum of money, I seem to have read many ways of people avoiding, delaying etc.
Mediation really is a far better way of handling disputes (I do acknowledge that some very tricky cases need courts). Most people really need to sit down and work it out with the other person. Surprisingly, most people who come up with agreements in mediation stick to them, because they came up with them, rather than having something imposed upon them. The beauty of that is, often the agreements have a goodwill component and cost so much less than litigation.
Item viewed: 4642 times
Often a first reaction for people who are upset or feel they have been wronged is to “take them to court”. I don’t know who originally penned the saying “Having your day in court”; but I’m guessing it must have been someone with lots of money.
In essence how helpful is the court process; but more importantly how many people actually end up in court. Well, a lot less than you might think. You might be surprised how many deals are done in the corridors of a court between lawyers. Even more surprising is the leverage they use. It’s called money. I’ve had many a story told where a lawyer has told their client if you don’t agree to this (which the lawyers see as reasonable) then it’s going to cost you this much.
Even if it gets into court and the judge makes a decision, there is one thing they can not do. It’s called “goodwill”. A judgment in many instances assumes the parties will obey and adhere to what is being ordered. Take for example orders around parenting children. If they’re not followed (Australia) then the Police don’t get involved, it goes back to the Family court.
How many times can someone afford to keep going back to the Family Court? If someone is ordered to pay a sum of money, I seem to have read many ways of people avoiding, delaying etc.
Mediation really is a far better way of handling disputes (I do acknowledge that some very tricky cases need courts). Most people really need to sit down and work it out with the other person. Surprisingly, most people who come up with agreements in mediation stick to them, because they came up with them, rather than having something imposed upon them. The beauty of that is, often the agreements have a goodwill component and cost so much less than litigation.
Item viewed: 4642 times
2009 is shaping up to be a year in which we will need all of our conflict solving skills. As the economy continues along a sluggish path, everyone will be affected whether it be personal relationships, work or just in the everyday pleasures we take for granted.
With all this build up of pressure, tempers can become frayed. Little things which we could ignore suddenly seem in our face, something that needs to be dealt with.
2009 will really be a time to try and manage your emotions. Here are some strategies;
Why am I feeling this? (anger/personal attack/hurt/frightened)
Is it possible for me right now to separate the problem from the person?
What do I want to change?
What can I do in order to assist in the change?
What do I need in order to let go of this feeling and prevent recurrence of the same feeling I am experiencing now?
(Are all parties treating each other with equal respect? Can I be assertive and name negative behaviour?)
Whose problem is this? Is it a spoken or unspoken "message" I am hearing?
(Are we both able to look at the differences of emotions vs the issues?)
Do I have the time, authority and/or energy to change the situation?
(Am I able to encourage positives rather than bringing up past negative issues?)
Can I improve the relationship and increase communication?
(Am I working towards an acceptable/acceptable outcome?)
Item viewed: 5202 times
With all this build up of pressure, tempers can become frayed. Little things which we could ignore suddenly seem in our face, something that needs to be dealt with.
2009 will really be a time to try and manage your emotions. Here are some strategies;
Why am I feeling this? (anger/personal attack/hurt/frightened)
Is it possible for me right now to separate the problem from the person?
What do I want to change?
What can I do in order to assist in the change?
What do I need in order to let go of this feeling and prevent recurrence of the same feeling I am experiencing now?
(Are all parties treating each other with equal respect? Can I be assertive and name negative behaviour?)
Whose problem is this? Is it a spoken or unspoken "message" I am hearing?
(Are we both able to look at the differences of emotions vs the issues?)
Do I have the time, authority and/or energy to change the situation?
(Am I able to encourage positives rather than bringing up past negative issues?)
Can I improve the relationship and increase communication?
(Am I working towards an acceptable/acceptable outcome?)
Item viewed: 5202 times
By Murray Cree
The precise nature of Project Management means that is a potential source of conflict. Many of these conflicts are resolved through agreement with the process rules of PM. Such resolution depends on shared understandings. The trouble starts when there is disagreement that the process rules cannot manage. Also, particular personality types are attracted to PM because of the precise and detailed nature of the work they do. So, different personalities also have the potential for conflict. Having trouble with conflict in the world of projects? Consider using an external consultant to show how to effectively mediate ongoing conflict. Even get your Project Managers trained by Conflict Solvers.
Item viewed: 7813 times
The precise nature of Project Management means that is a potential source of conflict. Many of these conflicts are resolved through agreement with the process rules of PM. Such resolution depends on shared understandings. The trouble starts when there is disagreement that the process rules cannot manage. Also, particular personality types are attracted to PM because of the precise and detailed nature of the work they do. So, different personalities also have the potential for conflict. Having trouble with conflict in the world of projects? Consider using an external consultant to show how to effectively mediate ongoing conflict. Even get your Project Managers trained by Conflict Solvers.
Item viewed: 7813 times
By Murray Cree
It may sound strange to talk about absent parties and conflict resolution. Logically, how can you resolve conflict if the other person is not with you in the here and now?
Of course, in the ideal world we would want the people in conflict to be present and participating. But what if they can’t?
One tip is to consider the “empty chair” conversation method. By placing an empty chair in the room, imagining the presence of the other party or person in that chair, and then talking to that empty chair the symbolic part of communication can occur.
Often that symbolism is the foundation of a conflict resolution. Simply by convening a conflict resolution process we can shift feelings and perceptions into a positive mode. There is much peace in the power of positive thinking!
Item viewed: 7976 times
It may sound strange to talk about absent parties and conflict resolution. Logically, how can you resolve conflict if the other person is not with you in the here and now?
Of course, in the ideal world we would want the people in conflict to be present and participating. But what if they can’t?
One tip is to consider the “empty chair” conversation method. By placing an empty chair in the room, imagining the presence of the other party or person in that chair, and then talking to that empty chair the symbolic part of communication can occur.
Often that symbolism is the foundation of a conflict resolution. Simply by convening a conflict resolution process we can shift feelings and perceptions into a positive mode. There is much peace in the power of positive thinking!
Item viewed: 7976 times
By Murray Cree
Family businesses are an essential part of the Australian economy. With an aging population, there is pressure on to manage generational change in many of our family businesses. This process of succession is a source of conflict because for one generation it is a letting go process while for the upcoming generation it is a taking charge process.
Both of these processes involve the internal psychology of the ego and therein lies the potential conflict. Ego management is a major challenge for most people at any point in their life-cycle. Ego is both a source of energy and innovation as well as a potentially negative force of disregard and domination.
Here are two tips for family business members who are encountering conflict around succession. First, empathise! Try to put yourself in the feeling space of the other party. Imagine what it would be like to be them. How would it feel to be a parent letting go of 30 years hard yakka building the family business into a sustainable enterprise. Second, listen. The process of handing-over relies heavily on effective communication. Both parties need to feel heard and understood. This deep communication calls for active listening not just a hearing.
When empathy and active listening operate together, the potential for conflict reduces sharply. Give it a go. Start slowly and gently in order to test your skills.
Item viewed: 8018 times
Family businesses are an essential part of the Australian economy. With an aging population, there is pressure on to manage generational change in many of our family businesses. This process of succession is a source of conflict because for one generation it is a letting go process while for the upcoming generation it is a taking charge process.
Both of these processes involve the internal psychology of the ego and therein lies the potential conflict. Ego management is a major challenge for most people at any point in their life-cycle. Ego is both a source of energy and innovation as well as a potentially negative force of disregard and domination.
Here are two tips for family business members who are encountering conflict around succession. First, empathise! Try to put yourself in the feeling space of the other party. Imagine what it would be like to be them. How would it feel to be a parent letting go of 30 years hard yakka building the family business into a sustainable enterprise. Second, listen. The process of handing-over relies heavily on effective communication. Both parties need to feel heard and understood. This deep communication calls for active listening not just a hearing.
When empathy and active listening operate together, the potential for conflict reduces sharply. Give it a go. Start slowly and gently in order to test your skills.
Item viewed: 8018 times
19/05: Passive anger and conflict
By Murray Cree
Passive anger is a major hurdle when it comes to successful mediation and conflict resolution. By its very nature, passive anger is not expressed openly. Instead, it is perceived conflict, a feeling, a state of mind.
Conflict fuelled by passive anger frequently has a long history. There tend to be underlying or background pressures that have built up over time. Without release such pressures become a way of life; just the way things happen around here.
Attempts to deal with passive anger call for patience and trust. So if you find yourself on the receiving end of passive anger gently try to probe as to what are the real issues. Be careful not to probe too hard otherwise you will simply get push-back and resentment.
Item viewed: 8093 times
Passive anger is a major hurdle when it comes to successful mediation and conflict resolution. By its very nature, passive anger is not expressed openly. Instead, it is perceived conflict, a feeling, a state of mind.
Conflict fuelled by passive anger frequently has a long history. There tend to be underlying or background pressures that have built up over time. Without release such pressures become a way of life; just the way things happen around here.
Attempts to deal with passive anger call for patience and trust. So if you find yourself on the receiving end of passive anger gently try to probe as to what are the real issues. Be careful not to probe too hard otherwise you will simply get push-back and resentment.
Item viewed: 8093 times
Peer Mediation in Primary school has been in Australia now for a little over twenty years. Most schools train a variety of students from grade four upwards. One school that has really shown the way in this area is Sunbury West Primary. This school has run the program for several years and has some wonderful innovations.
This year they trained students from grade four. What did the grade four students need to do in order to become a mediator? Firstly they had to put together a written application which was assessed by the grade five and six students who selected the most suitable applicants.
Here are some exerts from the applications;
“I would like to be a peer mediator because I am fair, I listen, I’m level headed and I would be able to listen to both sides of a story….”
“I think it would be a great experience…I will enjoy it a lot.”
“I am committed to being a peer mediator because I am responsible and will remember to do my duty. I am a nice caring person and I also like to help sort out problems without being bossy so everyone feels happy.”
“I’d love to be a peer mediator because I’m a good listener and have got really good hand writing.”
Once the two day training is completed; the grade four students become trainees that go around with a grade five or six student learning on the job. The mediators at the school patrol the yard and assist where children are having arguments. A good deal of their time is spent around the play area for children in prep, grade one and two. There are often problems around “hurtful language, threats of changing friendship groups and game rules.”
Not only are the mediators able to assist these students but they also possess stickers which they hand out to children who are displaying positive behaviours such as including children in their games or showing other acts of kindness.
To ensure the younger children at the school understand what mediation is, the students perform role plays for the various grades and explain their role in language the younger children understand. The mediators are very visible during the lunch break with their bright yellow tops.
Whilst the school has many other programs in place, it is heartening to see first hand how they are equipping their children with such important life skills at a young age.
Item viewed: 10670 times
This year they trained students from grade four. What did the grade four students need to do in order to become a mediator? Firstly they had to put together a written application which was assessed by the grade five and six students who selected the most suitable applicants.
Here are some exerts from the applications;
“I would like to be a peer mediator because I am fair, I listen, I’m level headed and I would be able to listen to both sides of a story….”
“I think it would be a great experience…I will enjoy it a lot.”
“I am committed to being a peer mediator because I am responsible and will remember to do my duty. I am a nice caring person and I also like to help sort out problems without being bossy so everyone feels happy.”
“I’d love to be a peer mediator because I’m a good listener and have got really good hand writing.”
Once the two day training is completed; the grade four students become trainees that go around with a grade five or six student learning on the job. The mediators at the school patrol the yard and assist where children are having arguments. A good deal of their time is spent around the play area for children in prep, grade one and two. There are often problems around “hurtful language, threats of changing friendship groups and game rules.”
Not only are the mediators able to assist these students but they also possess stickers which they hand out to children who are displaying positive behaviours such as including children in their games or showing other acts of kindness.
To ensure the younger children at the school understand what mediation is, the students perform role plays for the various grades and explain their role in language the younger children understand. The mediators are very visible during the lunch break with their bright yellow tops.
Whilst the school has many other programs in place, it is heartening to see first hand how they are equipping their children with such important life skills at a young age.
Item viewed: 10670 times
